Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resource

Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace couples therapy.

Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse rarely looks abusive at the beginning. In fact, it often starts with intense connection, attention, and emotional closeness. Over time, many people find themselves stuck in a repeating cycle that feels impossible to escape, marked by hope, confusion, emotional pain, and self-blame.

Understanding the narcissistic abuse cycle can help you see that what you are experiencing is a pattern, not a personal failure. Naming the cycle is often the first step toward clarity, safety, and healing.

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained

1. Idealization (Love-Bombing Phase)

In the beginning, you may feel deeply seen, chosen, or special. The connection can feel intense and fast-moving.

Common experiences:

• Excessive praise or attention

• Rapid emotional intimacy

• Feeling “finally understood”

• Pressure to commit quickly

From a nervous system perspective, this phase activates dopamine and connection, creating strong emotional bonding.

2. Devaluation

Over time, the warmth begins to shift. Criticism, emotional withdrawal, or subtle contempt appears.

Common experiences:

• Walking on eggshells

• Feeling “too sensitive”

• Increased criticism or blame

• Confusion about what changed

This phase creates nervous system hypervigilance, as you attempt to restore safety by adjusting yourself.

3. Gaslighting & Control

Your reality may be questioned or minimized, causing you to doubt your perceptions.

Common experiences:

• Being told events did not happen

• Feeling confused after conversations

• Apologizing frequently

• Losing trust in your instincts

Gaslighting destabilizes your sense of self and increases emotional dependence.

4. Discard or Emotional Abandonment

The relationship may end abruptly — or the person may emotionally withdraw while remaining physically present.

Common experiences:

• Sudden detachment

• Silent treatment

• Threats of abandonment

• Feeling disposable or invisible

This stage activates deep attachment wounds and nervous system shutdown.

5. Hoovering (Pull-Back Phase)

After distance or separation, the person may return with apologies, affection, or promises of change.

Common experiences:

• Renewed hope

• Temporary improvement

• Confusion about leaving

• Feeling pulled back emotionally

The cycle often restarts here, reinforcing trauma bonding.

Why This Cycle Is So Hard to Leave

This cycle creates intermittent reinforcement, which strengthens emotional attachment. Your nervous system learns to associate relief with reconnection, even when harm is present. Leaving is not a failure of willpower, it is a nervous system survival response.

Reflection

• Which stages feel familiar to me?

• How does my body respond during each phase?

• What parts of me are trying to stay safe?

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy offers a space to rebuild trust in your reality, process trauma bonds, and gently support nervous system regulation. Healing involves restoring safety, strengthening boundaries, and reconnecting with your sense of self, at your pace.

Written by Jillian Fischer, RP(Q), offering trauma-informed online therapy for adults and couples in Ontario and Newfoundland.

A Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.