Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace couples therapy.

Turning Towards vs Turning Away: Building Connection in Your Relationship

Many relationship challenges arise not from lack of love but from patterns of turning toward or away from each other. This guide introduces the concept of bids for connection and practical ways to respond that strengthen emotional bonds.

In every relationship, partners send small and large “bids” for connection, attempts to engage emotionally, share, or get support. How we respond to these bids greatly affects trust, intimacy, and emotional safety. This guide helps you notice these patterns and respond in ways that strengthen your connection.

What Are Bids for Connection?

Bids are attempts to reach out emotionally. They can be:

• Small: A smile, a quick “How was your day?”

• Medium: Sharing something exciting or a concern

• Large: Expressing vulnerability, sadness, or a desire for closeness

Responding to bids consistently strengthens intimacy. Ignoring or dismissing bids weakens connection.

Turning Toward vs. Turning Away

Gottman's research on couples found that paying attention to your partner matters and is a significant predictor of relationship satisfaction. There are three ways that you can respond to bids for connection. The first is positive, by turning toward your partner. This means that you engage with the bid through validating, showing interest, and listening actively. Alternative, more rejecting ways to respond to your partner's bid for connection include turning away and turning against. Turning away means that you are ignoring, dismissing, or reacting defensively to your partner's bid for connection. This happens fairly often when we are engaged in something else, like when we are on our phone or taking care of the kids. It is okay to miss some of your partner's bids, it is only when turning away is the dominant response, that your partner may feel ignored and unimportant. Turning against is more damaging. Instead of ignoring, there is a response, but it is critical, attacking, or escalating.

Example: Partner bids “I had a stressful day at work.”

• Turning toward: “I hear you. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Turning away: “Not now, I’m busy.”

• Turning against: “You’re always stressed; why can’t you relax?”

Why It Matters

How we and our partners respond to bids of connection gives us cues to our relationship's safety. Turning towards consistently creates trust, safety, and closeness. While, turning away repeatedly leads to emotional disconnection. Relationships thrive on small, everyday moments of connection - these matter more than the big gestures.

Practical Exercises

Building awareness of bids can help you turn towards them. Often we are so wrapped up in the business of our own lives, that we unintentionally miss our partner's bids. Try to notice at least one bid from your partner each day and respond intentionally.

While building this awareness, notice what bids from your partner you respond to naturally? Also reflect on which bids you often miss. How can you create more awareness to these types of bids? If you cannot identify which types of bids you miss - ask your partner "What’s one thing I did that made you feel heard or unseen this week?"

Reflection Questions

• When do I tend to turn toward my partner?

• When do I tend to turn away or against?

• How can I respond more consistently in ways that build trust?

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy provides a regulated, structured space to explore the patterns that affect your connection. With guidance, you can:

• Recognize and respond to your partner’s bids for connection more consistently

• Understand your own tendencies to turn away or against and why they happen

• Develop practical tools to strengthen emotional attunement and trust

• Learn strategies to repair disconnection without blame or defensiveness

• Build long-term relational resilience by practicing connection skills with support

A Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.

Written by Jillian Fischer, RP(Q), offering trauma-informed online therapy for adults and couples in Ontario and Newfoundland.