Why Do I Keep Having the Same Problems in Different Relationships
Knowing why you do something and being able to do something different are not necessarily the same thing.
Jillian Fischer, RP(Q)
10/14/20262 min read
You see the pattern, you don't understand why it keeps happening
Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace therapy.
You've noticed you keep ending up in relationships with emotionally unavailable people. Or narcissistic partners. Or the perpetual victims. Or the can't-be-bothered-to-help-you partners. Or the hot-and-cold inconsistent partners. Or the liars.
Recurring Relationship Patterns
The most important thing is - please don't blame or shame yourself for these relationships. The systems at work are unconscious and linked to attachment. We learn early on what love looks like. If you are lucky you received consistent, no-strings-attached love and care. However, we weren't all that fortunate. Perhaps our caregiver was unavailable because they were ill, dealing with their own trauma, or physically were not present. Perhaps our caregiver was conditionally loving, when we excelled at sports or school. Perhaps our caregiver punished us for having certain emotions or praised us for being the easy child.
What we learned growing up is what resulted in connection, love, care and what caused abandonment, rejection, and being alone. We unconsciously use that template as we go through life. We may think we have outgrown that, but changes are, if you are noticing a pattern in your relationships, it is from a past experience where your attachment was threatened. It is how we learn. After all, we are a species that thrives in connection, so we also learn a lot and wire it into our rules of life.
Okay, so it's my childhood?
Maybe. I don't know you (I'd love to get to know you - send me a message), so I can't say for sure. But, it is likely that somewhere down the journey of life you learned to predict how love and connection looked, and your relationships reflect that. You developed protective strategies to get your needs for connection met in the way that your caregivers allowed. That is hard to unwire when it is unconscious. So first, we work to make it conscious.
Okay, so I know, but I still do it!
Insight alone is not enough. It sure is helpful to see that pattern and understand where it comes from. But now we need to experience something different. That is where therapy can really help! Therapy is about the relationship between the therapist and client, building a connection that is not conditional on your abilities, emotions, or helpfulness. A space where you can show up un-edited and be accepted. This creates new learning, new programming, new ways of being in relationship with another person.
Reflection Questions
What feels familiar in these relationships?
When do I first remember feeling this way?
What do I believe about relationships?
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy allows a space to get to know yourself and:
Identify attachment predictions
Learn how they protect you from painful experiences
Practice relating with a safe, compassionate other
Receive support grieving the unmet needs of your childhood
Strengthen your tolerance to difficult emotions
Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.
